UNITY THROUGH FELLOWSHIPS

Gratitude

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Gratitude can be lost between pain and loss and confusion and an awakening. Gratitude simply means to be grateful; it is the quality of being thankful. Sometimes we do not know why we are thankful because the reasons why we are thankful may not come about until we understand certain lessons we have undergone in life. We also lose the quality of being thankful when we have loss and crisis beause at the time we either do not or cannot turn that pain into something positive.

There will always be good and bad and good and evil and that explanation is not black nor white as an explanation comes with it. Why do I think good and evil exists when it would be so much easier to make us all good? Well, basically; most of us believe we have free will, therefore; it is impossible for everything to be good. Although many of you think that evrything is wrong in your lives and that everything is bad; this is simply not true. You have to realize that if good and bad exists, so does positive and negative exist. 

Take all of your bad or negative feelings and beliefs and find something positive about them. This is possible for all of us in I will say most situations. Let me explain. My mother was an alcoholic and many people I knew growing up  were addicted to alcohol or some type of drug. I am happy to have known these people for many reasons but needless to say there are also negative aspects that go along with knowing these people.

Obviously if I was surrounded by addicts growing up I understand a lot about them. I did not like the fact that my mother was an alcoholic but I was thankful that she was never loud or violent. She took care of us; she always had supper on the table, food in the house, a kind word for most people she encountered but she was not comfortable going through life sober until she finally became sober. I was very proud of her and that I am grateful for because she could have been a horrible person who never gave me anything to be grateful for.

I watched my mother go through a lot of pain while drinking and while recovering only I never knew how much she suffered to become sober. While she was drinking I thought of alcoholism as her problem not mine which is true to an extent. Alcohol is a family problem but I could not have asked for a better alcoholic mother. Some of my friends who had alcoholic parents suffered a great deal of embarrassment and violence. I was never in denial that my mom was an alcoholic because she was not as bad as others but I did not realize the pain she endured when she decided it was time to put drinking behind her.

My mom did not show signs of alcoholism when I was younger, however; she did play around with drugs and in fact overdosed on one of them in front of my face when I was 5. She died and one of her friends brought her back to life also in front of my face. My mom passed when she was only 47 and I was 31 and I thought I was too young to lose my mom at 31. I asked why my mom was not able to grow old and see a lot of things that she is missing today. I do wish she met my youngest daughter and my three grandchildren but I am grateful. I am grateful that she was brought back to life and that she spent another 26 years with us. 

For most of my adult life I have helped people in need. These people are either homeless, addicts or commit petty crimes. Unfortunately some have committed more than petty crimes and I choose not to take them into my home because I have children. I would not know how to help these people without the experiences I had growing up. Therefore, I am grateful that I had the opportunity to meet and love people with the particular problems that I have mentioned above. 

My mother had a very low self esteem as do many addicts that I have encountered. She chose to be with men that beat her. As much as that hurt me growing up, it taught me to never let a person put their hands on me. You see, I loved my mom dearly and in many ways I thought she was a strong person and I never understood why she would let men hurt her. I thought she should have more respect for herself. I do not deal with violence very well and I am grateful that I have enough respect to walk away from a person who is physically violet.

Although my partner of almost 14 years chose not to continue our relationship almost two years ago and I hurt everyday there is a reason that I am grateful. I began a relationship with a friend of ours who is a really bad alcoholic and when drunk, mentally abusive. I told her that we could not be together anymore and she said what do I have to do to continue our relationship. I said go on medication, get sober and go to meetings and seek therapy. She has been recovering for about 4 or five months now and slipped twice. Last week she cried for help and I made phonecalls to get her back into the program after a two or three week run.

She happened to be detoxing and I was with her for a little while and when I was bringing her back to her what I call den mother she was sweating, shaking and crying. She did not want me to leave her there and I said you have to do this. She cried that it was so hard to stop drinking and would not let go of me. I cried and did not want to let go. I felt her pain and finally after all of these years; I felt my mothers pain. I am grateful for that she slipped even though it was hurting her. As I am crying now and it is late I am going to end this story here and go to bed. Please remember that there is always something to be grateful for. It may take time but you have to somehow change what is bad into something good.

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